Last Semester

OK, so last semester was spent trying to maintain my relationships with the church community(SVCC,The Rock,Dteam), school friends, my family, old friends and pursue new friends - all while taking 25 credits AND working 20-30 hours a week. To me now, that doesn't LOOK like much, I don't think, on paper; but it was intense.

I made a BIG mistake halfway through the semester and I maintained my work schedule until about November when things started to go in the opposite direction of where I needed to be going. I think I drove some of my friends nuts and my new friends were not having the best influence on my life. My relationship with my family as a whole got significantly better. Relationally, I was content...but, what does THAT mean?
--one definition I found is "to be satisfied in a limited way."
who really wants a 'limited satisfaction?'

There was ONE relationship I didn't seem to care about, didn't seem to care that it was falling. That was my relationship with Jesus Christ. I think other than a few select people, who know me very well and were around me enough or talked to me enough, no one knew that this was going on. I kept up my appearances; came to church, and the rock, and to my small group...met with people every-so-often, but I skated by on what I knew already about God; shared old thoughts or just said I wasn't 'hearing from God.' I was NOT getting into the word and I prayed less and less often.

Now, I feel like I am in so deep that I cannot find my way back to Jesus...I love Jesus but cannot seem to get back to that place I was with Him before. I am drowning in a sea of lies. Currently, I am trying to get in the word, or at least find a verse to hold onto for the day...I am waiting at the open door Jesus has for me, but I am afraid to go in again. I LOVE having my family care, and being accepted by them...but, then I remembered Luke 14:26 "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple." Ahh! God, I get it...I need to pursue YOU above all else...but, does that mean life will always be hard relationally for my family and I? God, I need your help to be ok with that...I have been taught since I was a child, family is forever...no one else will stand by you through EVERYTHING...I know, in some instances THAT has proven wrong; but it still is hard to let go of that idea.

I am not doing anything 'bad' right now, but I am not pursuing my relationship with the Lord as fully as I could...it is so hard to make that a habit again.